The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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