Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
