I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Randomize
