My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
