i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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