I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
