Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
