tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
