he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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