You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
