I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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