I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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