hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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