I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize