Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
