i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
