If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
