Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
