omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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