I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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