I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
