so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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