I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
