apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
