i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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