i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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