Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize