When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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