Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
