If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
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