his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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