I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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