the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
