just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize