I just pynch a tree in the face
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
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