sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Randomize
