your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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