so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
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