Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Never joke about your clitoris.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
