she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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