You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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