I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
