Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
