Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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