I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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