you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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