This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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