I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
