Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
