On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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