I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
