Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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