I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
