Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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