What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
