Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
