4 words: hood of his car
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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